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Post by
Deveritas
Alright so apparently my english teacher has decided to give us one day to draft and type our college admissions essays. Well I have mine done but she wants them pristine so I need some peer editors. Please and thank you in advance.
With my heart pumping in my head, feeling every pulse as if a drum was beating in time with my steps, I stepped through the door-way into the unknown. What I saw in front of my eyes were the blank stares of 30 others looking at me with curiosity in their eyes. I looked towards the back of the room where my teacher sat at a desk and beckoned me to explain my work, stating that she read over my paper and wants me to teach students on how to write an exceptional paper.
Apparently if you can write a paper before a teacher can finish explaining the first step, it gives the teacher a proper reason to call you up to the board and teach 30 people how to re-invent the wheel.
So here I stood at the front of the room marker in hand, unsure of how to explain to the people sitting before me that I just open a blank document in word and start typing away. With the expectant eyes of a child looking at a piece of candy that looks delicious, they hung onto my every word and waited for me to tell them the secret to writing an “A” paper in half an hour.
Uncapping the marker, I wrote on the board: "There are no magic words."
I then continued explaining that when you write a paper the first step, much to the dismay of my teacher, is to rip up any rubrics they give you, and to disregard all items that show an example of how they want the paper done unless it’s something critical for the paper, for instance using MLA format when APA is required. With the first two things out of the way I told them the next step, do not dispose of what teachers consider “bad thinking” that is, don’t just settle for filling in the mold, the idea is to fill up the mold with breath-taking diction to the breaking point. Once you have mastered not letting an emotional wall stop you from your thoughts, read the topic again, and with your fingers on the home row keys type until you get finger cramps.
As I replaced the cap on the marker, and turned around once more to face the class, they all looked at me stunned, one even said “You are joking right?” after the question, 29 others including my teacher burst out into applause. I guess everyone is born with a natural talent or gift, mine apparently is writing.
Post by
273605
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Deveritas
Drag, the story is true, and Im editting in your suggestions. Thank you for your help.
Post by
273605
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Deveritas
If you re-read the end I said there was the one who asked the question, along with 29 others, which makes 30, plus the teacher.
Post by
Arideni
Doorway doesn't need to be hyphenated
Spell out the numbers. 30 should be "thirty," etc.
Remove excess, ex: "What I saw in front of my eyes" to "Before my eyes," etc. (don't hand-feed)
Apparently - Something apparent doesn't need an explanation, the tone is sarcasm (hard to pull off in an essay)
"So here I stood at the front of the room marker in hand" - I thought you were HERE, but you're at the front of the room?
It's an essay? It read more like a blog entry, etc. What's your topic? Develop a solid topic and then write on it, careful not to deviate. You can use what you have, but make it concise and stick to a main idea rather than a rambling of miscellaneous thoughts. If you're telling a story of how you were tasked with lecturing thirty students on writing, then stick to it.
Notice a trend? Stay on topic!
You seem really interested in telling a story, which is good because people can really get into stories and won't fall asleep as quickly as they will, for example, an essay. This is great, but maybe your approach is off. Perhaps you should fictionalize it some instead and talk about an experience which you can recall vividly from memory. Play it over and over in your mind like a movie and write it out, go over it a few times editing out the unnecessary information, and try again.
This doesn't mean you have to start over, but again it goes back to topic if you're to keep what you started working on -- get a topic, a premise...and then you'll know exactly what to keep and what to delete.
"Uncapping the marker, I wrote on the board: "There are no magic words."
I'm going to pick on this sentence. Try some techniques you may have seen in books or magazines, changing up the words and structure gain your own style. There's pretty much no right or wrong way, but pure "stream of consciousness" writing leaves a lot to be desired in terms of editing...you don't edit it, that's the genius of it (and why it is often used for blogs and not books). The moment you edit something like that for content and grammar becomes the moment it is no longer "unplanned."
With the cap removed, I placed the half-dried out marker on the whiteboard and made several sweeping motions, showcasing my stellar cursive. "There are no magic words," the board read. Blank, inquisitive stares befell upon my classmates as my eyes shifted from left to right, reviewing their faces.
Post by
273605
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Post by
130313
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Post by
148723
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Post by
273605
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Arideni
I have to say that "I did this, then I did that. Their reaction was this, then they blah, blah, blah" makes for a poor story. It reuses the same structure over and over and presents no variety, no suspense...no reward for having gotten through the story. A story should tell a story, in my opinion. Else it serves no purpose, just fluff. Perhaps my one little quote seemed convoluted, but it isn't about a single quote really--it's about the big picture.
I'm sure a lot of students will try to pull out all the stops, go over the top for their essay paper. An attempt at proving themselves to their teacher, or perhaps to themselves. In either case, one has to contend with these people and there's always a bigger fish. So perhaps he may not be the best writer, but at the very least he can be creative and unique. These traits will most definitely lead to far higher marks than even the most well-written and polished piece in the class.
-----
For my style, revealing what the person wrote at the same time as the audience generates suspense and delivers that "shock," so to speak, at the same time the audience would feel it. The reader can relate to how the audience feels, thus enabling the reader to imagine their faces. It's important when writing a story to capture the reader in a trance and get them on the edge of their seat, to hide the secret until the end, rewarding them for having read everything so far.
In fact, if I were writing his story, I would probably make sure I didn't reveal what was written on the whiteboard until the very last sentence of the entire story, leaving the reader with something to think about.
Post by
273605
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Arideni
I totally rewrote that post, but I agree with you. I don't think my style could possibly, even remotely, work for the OP. He has to figure out his own, and of course, I wouldn't dare encourage him to copy our examples for his own. I don't mind if he uses some of our techniques or even a phrase, but learning your own style and structure is what will make your writing flourish.
Also, if any of you are interested in discussing writing styles, etc. I am currently asking for feedback on my personal blog posts, etc. I have a good
example
on the front page which could use some practical critique. Post comments on the entry. /endPlug
Post by
273605
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Post by
Arideni
hehe.
Nah, I think the most important issue is honestly the fact there's no real topic mentioned. All we know is that it's a college admissions essay.
Also, it's A-R-I-D-E-N-I ^_^;;
Post by
273605
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Arideni
TUBBEI HUUUUUG
Post by
273605
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Deveritas
Alrighty guys I'm archiving this page and throwing it on my flash drive so I can make the corrections you guys suggested. Arideni, the topic was to talk about an academic experience that defined who you are as a person the prompt said very clearly, "There are no limits... well almost no limits.
Post by
273605
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