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Chronicles of the Forsaken- Chapter 1: The Fall
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Post by
159454
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Morec0
-Hmm, it seems that - where the Scourge is involved - there is a trend of
killing off the first character mentioned
.
-All the same though a very good read, I'll ejoy seeing where you take this.
Post by
159454
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Post by
Morec0
-Not at all, I probably stole my idea from somewhere too.
-And might I suggest that you fix the "wall of text". Just to make it easier of the eyes.
Post by
159454
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Post by
Sagramor
Very good.
Just a tip; I don't know if you're talking about an event that has already happened in WoW History (thinking: the fall of Silvermoon), but if you are, you have to stay true to what happened in the Warcraft campaigns.
Post by
352219
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Post by
Gnub
A good hint is not having every sentence start out with the name of the character, he/she/it, or the like. It often makes the text look like a list of summed up stuff.
Also, follow Sagramor's tip - Frost Wyrms didn't surface until Arthas reached Northrend as Death Knight, if I remember correctly.
Post by
159454
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Morec0
A good hint is not having every sentence start out with the name of the character, he/she/it, or the like. It often makes the text look like a list of summed up stuff.
Also, follow Sagramor's tip - Frost Wyrms didn't surface until Arthas reached Northrend as Death Knight, if I remember correctly.
An odd little bit of information: lore states that Sapharion (spelling) was the first Frost Whrym, but you are able to use the undead dragons in Reign of Chaos, Sapharion was introduced in TFT.
And you can always go back and change it to, say, a gargoyle, Girlcaster. Those were there.
Post by
159454
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Gnub
A good hint is not having every sentence start out with the name of the character, he/she/it, or the like. It often makes the text look like a list of summed up stuff.
Also, follow Sagramor's tip - Frost Wyrms didn't surface until Arthas reached Northrend as Death Knight, if I remember correctly.
An odd little bit of information: lore states that Sapharion (spelling) was the first Frost Whrym, but you are able to use the undead dragons in Reign of Chaos, Sapharion was introduced in TFT.
Gameplay-wise, they showed up first just after Kel'Thuzad had been reanimated as a lich, in the mission "
Blackrock & Roll, Too!
". They didn't take part in the siege of Quel'Thalas, which was the point I was going for. It's a rather strange time they were introduced, but well, had to happen at some point.
One could say that in that mission, there were red dragons present, which would mean that the frost wyrms were reanimated dead dragons, which could be around there.
Sorry. When I played the Warcraft 3 campaign I was under the impression that the only reason they weren't there was for playing purposes. If I'm right (and I might not be) Kel'Thuzad said they were the Lich King's favorite toy, or something like that. That means they were there before. And I will change it so every sentence won't be Valinaria this, Valinaria that.
Oh, don't be sorry. I'm merely trying to correcting the small flaws (some lore-freaky people can - and will - eat people alive for stuff like that), not telling you what to do - and helping, naturally. :)
Post by
Morec0
btw, when are you posting the second part?
EDIT: nvm.
Post by
Neutronimity
I would really appreciate it if people would post, so I would know if anyone would like more Chapters. If people like it, I'll try and
post one every Friday
.
Girlcaster- *thumbs up* I really like what you are writing; it's on par with Morec, Spider and Sagramor.
To avoid misusing the lore you could just tell the character's (characters', depending how many main figures you are writing about; you perhaps switch from one to another) history, all else like feelings, thoughts and minor actions are left up to you. These things in addition to the genuine lore make the story exciting.
Post by
Patty
I must say this is really good!
As it's been said, you need to tweak on "Valinaria this, Valinaria that" but I am sure you will sort it out.
Good plot though, and worth reading...I like where I think this is going... :P
Post by
159454
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Post by
Patty
Ah sorry if I seemed like I was slating it, not at all! I was merely agreeing with what Neutromity said, but I re-read it and it is much less list-y.
Its very rich in description, which I think really makes it such a good read.
Will cross out former comment about listyness, because that has been sorted now :)
And also, roll on Friday! :P
Post by
159454
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Post by
Patty
Well, this isn't really anything WRONG, just something that seemed to be slightly missing.
Perhaps, the character of Valinaria, I noticed by using the same name in your story AND in the Open RP (although as different characters) it seems to be really prominent in your mind.
I am not the biggest creative writer, but I would say, you seem to have a developed idea of this character, with thought put into it, so for emotions and feelings, really go for it! Because, although she is a very honourable and valourous fighter, she doesn't have flaws, insecurities, anything to identify the reader with, which when I am reading a book, really makes the character all the more loveable.
I am sure there will be lots of this to come though, judging on what the title suggests... And ALL of this is (I hope) constructive and wanting to help you develop it a little more, to make the story really stand out and shine.
Post by
Morec0
.
Perhaps, the character of Valinaria, I noticed by using the same name in your story AND in the Open RP (although as different characters) it seems to be really prominent in your mind.
And what's wrong with that? People say I overuse the name Morec all the time.
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