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Weekly Debate #7: Parenting
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Post by
172996
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
MyTie
In order to learn consequences, you must consistently show that disobedience has them.
Sometimes the
threat
of a spanking consequence works even better than the actual act itself.
No. I never threaten, with anything. If you don't follow through, then you will lose credibility. Also, 'fear', is usually not a good means to an end.
Discipline for me usually goes like this:
1) Tell child to do something/not do something.
2) Child misbehaves.
3) Discuss with child why that happened. Listen to thier points of view. Maybe you misunderstood.
4) Summarize the discussion, and announce a decision about how the situation could have been handled better.
5) Child misbehaves again.
6) Remove the ability for the child to misbehave. Usually doing WITH the child can be very painful for them. (Example: Child doesn't do homework. Now they have to sit with you and explain in detail every bit of thier homework, then the two of you can work together on it. Also, go above and beyond. Spend a few days doing nothing but one single assignment. They will decide it is better to do it right on thier own in 10 minutes than be tortured with a 2 day assignment on the history of Bolivia.)
7) Reintroduce origional situation.
8) Child misbehaves again.
9) Loss of all privlidges. This is not punishment. A priviledge is just that, a priviledge. This usually involves them outlineing for you what they NEED in life, and what they DONT need. Then take away everything in the second column. It is especially painful for them to outline everything they are about to lose.
10) Child misbehaves again.
11) Examine if there could be extenuating circumstances. Study the behavior. Really research thier actions to determine if there could be another cause besides intent.
12) Punish child.
13) Child misbehaves again.
14) Both parents jointly and severely punish child.
15) Have a long talk about how worried you are.
I've never had to go past step 15. They always behave. Usually step 4 is the farthest we go.
Post by
Laihendi
Laihendi thinks it's okay to spank kids or maybe slap them (but not too hard) if absolutely nothing works, but ideally a parent shouldn't have to resort to physical punishment for his/her children. If a parent has to do that for someone by the time he's 7 or 8, there's probably either something wrong with the parent or the child.
Post by
MyTie
The best way to teach a child to respect you is by example. Show respect to the child.
Post by
172996
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Laihendi
The best way to teach a child to respect you is by example. Show respect to the child.
Respect through fear?
:)
Post by
240135
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
MyTie
Your parenting ways are your parenting ways. No one an tell you how to raise your child. My only comment is that it's hard to get intellectual with a child. As they get older (you said your daughter is 10? How old is your son?), they will be able to have a discussion about their behavior.My son is 10 months old. He can't speak, let alone be reasoned with. And you don't give children enough credit. They are very capable of intellectual thought. THAT is why I am here on the randomness boards debating, with full knowledge that most of you are kids. I have great respect for the intellect of children. I am rarely let down in that respect. Children CAN be reasoned with.When I said that I was merely saying it as if you have already told them once or twice to do/not do something. Then you break out the "Do you need a spanking?" threat to get them motivated. There's also the popular 1-2-3. If you never follow through with your statement, then to them it will be a useless empty threat. But if you do follow through when you say you will then sometimes the mere mention of a spanking will get them to do/not do something, because they remember that spanking they got.Neither of those methods address the child's behavior. They may save time, and give the appearance of a fixed child, but they do not gain the child's respect. Take the time neccessary to actively approach the problem. Saying "1-2-3" never impressed me as a kid. I interrpereted the adult as saying "I don't have time to spend explaining to you your problem, and I'm to good to take the time figureing out your side of it. I'd much rather just count a few numbers and be done with you." I have never used the counting method. It's a cop out, and doesn't work in the long run.
And I have never threatened spanking without actually spanking. Interestingly, my daughter is very aware that it is a possibility if she misbehaves, without me introduceing the possiblity. If I always introducted it first in theory, or 'threat', then it would never be a possibility until AFTER I had used the threat method. I don't want to have to threaten to be taken seriously.
Post by
150866
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Skyfire
If you allow yourself to hit your child, you are letting out your anger, regardless of what you say your reasons are for doing so.
Who said he was angry?
Post by
ASHelmy
I think that physical violence should not be a punishment that any parent should use on their child, regardless of what the child did. If you allow yourself to hit your child, you are letting out your anger, regardless of what you say your reasons are for doing so. Plus, doing so teaches your child that it is okay to hit people if they do something which displeases them, which is not a good practice to have. Furthermore, being hit is not conducive to a loving relationship, as the human reaction to being hit is either to become scared, or to become angry, being scared will cause you to obey, but it will not cause your child to love you, and having your child become angry at you stops them altogether from loving you, and will not help them to obey you.
Punishment of any kind should not be necessary, what is needed is for you to get your child to self-discipline, which, while more difficult than forcing them to obey, is worth it, both because they will not always have you to discipline them, and because receiving discipline from an outside source is a poor substitute for having such discipline be unnecessary. However, if discipline
is
required, it is better to utilize non-abusive forms of punishment or to show them the error of their ways, instead of giving in to your animal instincts and attacking anything that displeases you.
You sometimes need to do things you don't want to do if it is for the best. A kid will still love their parents even if they beat them; it's an instinct. They might pretend to hate, but it's just that, pretending, however true it might feel to them or you. If your child tries to beat someone, you should punish them.
Perhaps my views are wrong, but I am just 16, after all. Also, MyTie, I am still waiting for that epic debate you promised :D.
Post by
MyTie
If you allow yourself to hit your child, you are letting out your anger, regardless of what you say your reasons are for doing so.Whenever we have decided to spank our daughter, my wife and I always sit down and discuss it first. We ensure that we have both of our opinions and facts assembled before hand. Before we do the spanking, we sit with the child and discuss why we are doing what we are doing and that we love her very much. We explain how it is not our desire to hurt her, and that we feel it is neccessary. When done properly, it should cause the parent as much pain as the child, if not more.
So, is your origional statement true? Are we doing it out of anger and agression?
@ASH - This one is epic enough for now. One at a time.
Post by
240135
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
172996
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
172996
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
150866
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
240135
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
MyTie
yes, you are doing it out of anger, rationalized anger is still anger, you may feel emotional pain from it, because of your parenting instincts, but you still feel anger, or at least disappointment, which is simply anger with sadness and lost hope mixed in.
We disagree.
Disappointment isn't "anger with sadness and lost hope", it is diappointment.
I have never disciplined out of anger, rationalized anger, anger of any sort. Never have, never will.
Also, I think that you could discipline your child much more effectively without hitting her.Simply saying I'm "hitting her" is definately coloring the actions in a light that makes me sound like a ravaged, foaming at the mouth, animal. Also, the rare times I have had to rely on corporal punishment, I have seen it as a failure on my part as a parent for not rectifying the situation earlier. That doesn't mean it shouldn't be used. You're view that "all punishment is done in anger" is a little naive.
Post by
MyTie
Have you ever tried to reason with a 2-3 year old? Doesn't work very well. I think your thinking is more of an older child, like 7-10 range, where they would actually be able to grasp what you are talking about and have a better understanding of right and wrong.
Hmmm... agreed. However, 2-3 year olds should not have to be reasoned with through spanking. Through positive reinforcments you should be able to 'train' a kid that young. I would say punishments shouldn't exist in that case... I could be wrong, but I wouldn't think spanking a 3 year old would be effective. Verbal and physical positive reinforcement. Beleive it or not, the same methods used to train dogs work on children that young. I'd never spank a dog. They wouldn't get it. Neither would a 3 year old. By the time they are 5, they are so keen on communication, a simple look in thier direction can fix a bad behavior.
Post by
Hobgoblin
Yes, if they disobey you. However, if you beat them because you're losing your temper, that would be wrong. Also, if they made mistakes such as dropping a plate or spilling their milk or bringing mud into the house, it would be wrong to spank them for that. They're kids. Spank them only when they refuse to listen to you and break the rules or lie to you. Kids do lie a lot, even over things that are really trivial. You should spank them only to discipline them and help them learn. Spank them because you love them, not because you're angry.
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