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Post by
Squishalot
I'm not going to say what I'm thinking, but mainly because I don't want to draw fire just for pointing out the differences between MyTie's parenting methodology and any child psychology handbooks and research papers I've seen. To each their own.
Post by
1069282
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Rankkor
You grounded her for being honest to you? (partially)
To be fair, a lot of people interpret "being honest" as "being a jackass".
Expressing your honest opinion about someone, doesn't give you a license to be a jerk about it. A really important part of parenting (one that many parents neglect of doing) is teaching your kids to respect the authority.
I certainly want my kid to be honest with me, and not lie to me, but at the same time, she has to respect that for as long as she lives under MY roof, I'm the authority, and she must show proper respect. If not, how can I expect her to respect total strangers that WILL have authority over her? such as a boss, a cop, a teacher, or any other superior?
Part of our society is that we are bound to authority, whether we like it or not, even here on these forums we're bound to an authority, and while we're given a large degree of freedom, there are still rules that must be respected and
enforced
to prevent this place from becoming an anarchic cesspool. A child will never learn to respect authority if this isn't enforced on the very first social environment they know (their home).
Therefore, it doesn't matter if I'm right, or wrong, if I'm being too severe, or too permissive, all of that is irrelevant, what matters is that "I" am the authority figure in this house, as is my wife, and any time my kid addresses to us, she cannot show disrespect. All things considered, the punishment that Mytie gave his daughter was far less severe than what some parents would, and IMO, its effective enough. That kid needs to learn to respect the authorities she's bound to.
Post by
Interest
I'm pretty sure that doesn't apply here.
Post by
Magician22773
I'm not going to say what I'm thinking, but mainly because I don't want to draw fire just for pointing out the differences between MyTie's parenting methodology and any child psychology handbooks and research papers I've seen. To each their own.
Child psychology handbooks go out the window when your kid decides to not follow the book.
My 11 year old has become
extremely
oppositional defiant. (read:
will argue about anything, anytime, anywhere, regardless of the consequences
). I am pretty sure it is caused by two things in our life...(1) I work very long hours, so most of the time, he is home with just my wife...and (2), she works very hard during the day, and he has learned that she is really just "too tired" to argue about things with him. So he knows that if he argues, she will usually cave in.
She recently tried the "Love and Logic" method. This method, boiled down, is to empathize with them (to show love), then inform them of their consequences (logic). But one of the more 'interesting' parts is that the parent is supposed to try to show little to no emotion to their actions.
Dad: "Oh, no. You left your bike unlocked and it was stolen. What a bummer. I bet you feel awful. Well, I understand how easy it is to make a mistake like that."
Dad then adds, "And you can have another bike as soon as you can earn enough money to pay for it. I paid for the first one. You can pay for the additional ones."
So, long story short...my 11 yr old saw through this like a crystal vase in about 10 minutes, and knew it was just an act. However, he made one big mistake. Mom told him it was time to get off the X-Box, and get ready for bed. Like usual, he argued that he still had time. (He has 2 hrs a day on Parental Control Timer). After about 10 minutes, Mom tried the Love and Logic....she told him she was sorry that he could not finish his game, and that because he had not done as told, he would not be allowed to play at all the next day.
His response...."I will just play before you get home tomorrow". This went back and forth..with her still trying to show no emotion, and gradually taking more time away...and him pointing out that he can play in the mornings before we wake up...he can play at night after we go to bed...he can play after school before we get home....needless to say, he was "out-logic'ing" her.
Finally after about 15 minutes of this, I walked into the room, and unplugged the x-box...walked into my room...and
SMASH!
OK...he went to pieces. He absolutely could not believe that I had just smashed his X-Box 360, Call of Duty Special Edition.
After the initial couple of days of me being the World's Worst Dad, he started to change. Now he want's a new X-Box. And, he now has a path to get one. No arguing. Chores done. And he has a science fair project that is due in Mid-April. A satisfactory grade on the project, along with a better attitude, and he can get another game. So far, this has been the best couple weeks I can remember.
Oh,,,and I didn't smash the X-Box...I smashed an old, broken DVD player that had been in the closet....but the sound must have been pretty convincing.
So, if you ask me...Love and Logic doesn't work nearly as well as "Outsmart the 11 yr old that thinks he is smarter than you"
And as for Facebook and other "passwords"......
keyloggers
on every computer in the house. They get privacy when they move out.
Post by
1069282
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Sas148
And as for Facebook and other "passwords"......
keyloggers
on every computer in the house. They get privacy when they move out.
I am, again, too intelligent for a keylogger to be successful on my computer. That's not to say parents wouldn't try it on me... if I were at an age that they cared, but still... would not be successful. I suppose that could change over time as parents have become as intelligent, if not more intelligent, than their children when it comes to technology.
Post by
Rankkor
And as for Facebook and other "passwords"......
keyloggers
on every computer in the house. They get privacy when they move out.
I am, again, too intelligent for a keylogger to be successful on my computer. That's not to say parents wouldn't try it on me... if I were at an age that they cared, but still... would not be successful. I suppose that could change over time as parents have become as intelligent, if not more intelligent, than their children when it comes to technology.
Bah, the both of you are far overcomplicating what should, in every way, be a trivial matter.
I'll get a PC for my kid when she's old enough to have one, or need one. HOWEVER, if I have to ground her, I'm not gonna bother with fancy passwords, or keyloggers, or heavens forbid, having to track down every single one of her online accounts for the many many many sites she could possibly visit.
Nah, I'll be more pragmatic than that, if she's grounded, I'll open the case, and remove the RAM memory from the PC. Problem solved. She can't use it until her grounding is over.
Same goes for your radical solution to the Xbox Dillema. I mean seriously, is it that hard to hide the cable necessary to power up the Xbox in the first place? If I was in your shoes, and I'm grounding that boy but also have to go to work, and wife has to go to work, and he blatantly, to my face says he's gonna play on it while I'm out, I grab the cable from the Xbox, put it in a bag, and then take it with me wherever I go.
Lets see him trying to play without power.
Post by
Squishalot
@ Rankkor - certainly, respect and authority is to be demanded. But if you ask your child a question, and you don't like the answer, you've got two options - either a) understand why it is they feel that way (especially after they've had a day to go away and really think about the issues and consequences of their thoughts), and/or b) take out your frustration on them for giving you 'the wrong answer'.
It seems to me that if a child is suggesting that you're 'not (their) real dad', then there's an underlying issue that won't be solved by punishing them until they 'confess' that they love you.
I agree that parents shouldn't bow down to the wishes and whims of their kids. As you say though, that doesn't mean "being a jackass". Kids, even teenagers, are capable of rational thought (at times) and can have good reasons for what they say and do.
So he knows that if he argues, she will usually cave in.
Yeah, but that's the parents throwing the book out, not the kid. Don't get me wrong - I've had this discussion with my girlfriend over and over again. At the end of the day though, as a rational person who's worked with a lot of kids and isn't so old that I've forgotten what it's like growing up, everything that her textbook says is the 'ideal' way to treat and teach a child stacks up.(##RESPBREAK##)8##DELIM##Squishalot##DELIM##
Post by
Perkocet
You grounded her for being honest to you? (partially)
To be fair, a lot of people interpret "being honest" as "being a jackass".
I don't think you can get much more plain and honest than 'I don't love you'. :P
Post by
Rankkor
You grounded her for being honest to you? (partially)
To be fair, a lot of people interpret "being honest" as "being a jackass".
I don't think you can get much more plain and honest than 'I don't love you'. :P
except that 9 out of 10 times when a kid says that, they don't really mean it, they are just trying to blackmail you. We are preprogrammed by nature to love our parents, and the only way that love is truly broken is if we have incredibly horrible parents, and I'm talking bout the real abusive, violent, monstrous parents. The type that deserve a real inhumane death.
if you are a regular average-joe parent, then there's no way, NO WAY, that your children don't love you. Progeny tends to love their progenitors, just for being who they are.
Case in point, as a teenager I argued a lot with my mom, and she was as strict with me and my brother as I am with my own kids, and in anger I'd act like a damned idiot and say things I didn't meant, to try to manipulate her, including the dreaded "I don't love you, you are a horrible mom, as soon as I'm able I'll get out of here and never return".
But when push came to shove? I took 2 bullets for her, defending her from a savage that was beating her to death, because I love her, and that's not gonna change, not now nor ever.
Post by
MyTie
I don't think you can get much more plain and honest than 'I don't love you'. :P
It's not honest. It's a comment meant to hurt, to get a reaction. Why is it that all of a sudden, because a kid says something "straight forward" it must be treated as honest and therefore, there cannot be consequences. (Not directed at you Perk, just at that particular mentality)
I pity the parents (and child for that matter), that crumble when their kids say something hateful. Your kid says something intended to barb you, and there is no consequences? Congratulations on training your kid to manipulate everyone around them with passive aggressive hate.
Your kid says "I don't love you",
that isn't honest
. That's manipulative. Don't fall for it.
Post by
240140
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Interest
So anyways...April Fools' is over. Did anyone see any good ones they want to share?
Post by
MyTie
What is CISPA, and why is that thread locked?
Post by
Interest
What is CISPA, and why is that thread locked?
Apparently CISPA got passed, so the freedom of speech thread got censored out.
Post by
Rankkor
I don't think you can get much more plain and honest than 'I don't love you'. :P
It's not honest. It's a comment meant to hurt, to get a reaction. Why is it that all of a sudden, because a kid says something "straight forward" it must be treated as honest and therefore, there cannot be consequences. (Not directed at you Perk, just at that particular mentality)
I pity the parents (and child for that matter), that crumble when their kids say something hateful. Your kid says something intended to barb you, and there is no consequences? Congratulations on training your kid to manipulate everyone around them with passive aggressive hate.
Your kid says "I don't love you",
that isn't honest
. That's manipulative. Don't fall for it.
we don't see eye-to-eye often, but this is one of those times when we do.
Post by
240140
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
MyTie
Your kid says "I don't want to live with you, you're not my real dad", there are probably a lot of issues that need to be solved. Even if she does love you, I doubt she would just throw that around for the hell of it.
You're right, Elura.
On the other hand, this
isn't
new, or even unexpected. I myself am a step child, so I know where she is coming from, even though she doesn't think I know. Also, I'm young to be a parent of a teenager. She's 14, and I'm 29. That gives me a fresh memory as to what it was like to be a step child/teenager. I knew the day was coming where I was going to get the "you aren't my real dad"/"I don't love you" routine. It isn't part of some complex psychological thunderstorm of melodrama that only Freud could untangle if he was working with Chuck Norris. This isn't some sort of Gordian knot.
Kids pull this kind of thing every day. I'd wager more kids do this than don't, especially step kids. So, what do I do about it? I can either empower it, and let it fester, or I can send her a powerful message that those actions are entirely unacceptable. She wants to tell me I'm not her real dad? Fine. Now watch me exercise my authority over her. Watch me strip every privilege she has, and put her to task pulling weeds for hours. Where is her real dad? Out dealing drugs someplace. He isn't going to ride up on a white stallion and save her. This is reality. I'm here. I'm parenting her. She needs to deal with
that
, and I will not be bullied by a 14 year old into believing otherwise.
I'm consistent with her. She acts out, she gets disciplined. She behaves, she gets rewarded. She acted out, without any provocation. I gave her 24 hours to think about what she said, and then gave her a hug, and told her I loved her, and asked her if she felt any differently. She said she didn't. She put herself in the hole she is in, with plenty of time to rethink her actions.
Teach children consequences. You don't say something like "I don't love you", for the purpose of manipulation and not truth, and not have consequences.
I will crush her rebellion. I will obliterate it, swiftly, without remorse, nor sympathy. She will have no ally to turn to. When she is broken down, and malleable, then we will work on rebuilding. From this moment forward, she will consider the consequences of trying to manipulate others, especially the ones that she loves. I will not stand for it. Period.
Post by
240140
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
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