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Jade {Prologue}
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Post by
denjerre
((Inspired by Ogresound's story, I decided to give it a go myself. Please let me know what you think about it. Remember that this is my first story and I'm still somewhat of a Newbie. Looking at it myself, I think the layout might be a bit boring. Any suggestions to imrove are welcome.
Part 1
))
The short Night Elf ran quickly trough the dry grasses of the Barrens. Her long, white hair swept in the wind. She used her curved blade to quickly dispatch of any Raptor or Lion that approached. She had been allowed to kill on sight, but Horde soldiers were off limits. Her legs began to grow tired and her vision foggy. Her name was Jade Fiss and she was greatly annoyed.
Her superiors in the Sentinel Army wanted her to bring a message from Ashenvale to Bael Modan – on foot. A Sabercat or a Gryphon would draw the attention of the Horde, they said. A simple report about the excavation in Darkshore. This had to happen without the Horde noticing.
Thus, she ran through the wilds of the region, avoiding the roads and any Horde outpost. Never stopping and never getting noticed by a member of the opposite faction.
She was almost at Ratchet, she would rest there a bit before continuing. She could already see the Goblin port town and smell the salty air.
A Goblin voice sounded behind a nearby tree. ‘Brohm, get her!’. She didn’t react fast enough when she saw a massive, red Ogre coming for her. One touch of his fists was enough to knock the girl out. Kazzle Battlewrench appeared from behind the tree and congratulated his servant for his good work.
He looked at the unconscious female and said to Brohm; ‘This is good. The crowd loves a young, sweaty Night Elf pitted against heavy Goblin artillery.’
He pulled a small dagger from his chest and stabbed her three times in the chest. ‘If she survives this, we might have ourselves a new combatant. Take her to the holdings.’
The Ogre picked up the bleeding Elf and threw her on his shoulder, following his master.
Post by
OgreSound
I inspired someone, I feel so proud :)
anyways, liked it, nice for the first time.
Post by
Morec0
Bah, I inspired every story here either directly or by inspiring the one who inspired the one who inspired the one who wrote the story.
Either way, I was expecting something a little more... not right to be going on in the Goblin's mind. Of course that's just me. Either way, looks good.
Post by
denjerre
Either way, I was expecting something a little more... not right to be going on in the Goblin's mind. Of course that's just me. Either way, looks good.
Well, There *was* this sentence;
The crowd loves a young, sweaty Night Elf pitted against heavy Goblin artillery.’
But I'm afraid I'll have to dissapoint you. The story has no relation to the referencing of fornication whatsoever.
I also find it ashame that they filtered '^&*!ed' (I'm not even trying to get around that filter)
Post by
523452
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Morec0
I would suggest changing the censord word, and avoiding all that will get censord for a smoother read. And all stories seem to have no end in sight in the begining. And all of the spelling and grammer mistakes in the first page of Light and Death... *shudder.*
And time and place, Randoom, time and place. It's partially what drives a story.
Post by
denjerre
gotta unfortunately give this a 3/10, spelling mistakes, bad wording that gets blocked and a story that seems to have no end in sight, this could (carefully reformated) be much better in a long story i think.
also the barrens is quite large - think of it in the perspective as if you were in wow actually the character, a cat or gryphon would definately go past unnoticed by horde (unless u went direct over a town :P)
Well, on foot one is still lees likely to attract the attention then on a mount. I just wanted to have her run. As for not having an ending in sight, it's like Morec said, it's not supposed to be that way when the story just starts.
I can agree on the bad wording part, I know it doesn't read as smoothly as, say, Light and Death. That's the part I'd appreciate to get some pointers on.
Considering spelling mistakes, I've run it trough on Word and got nothing.
Post by
355559
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
523452
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Monday
gotta unfortunately give this a 3/10, spelling mistakes, bad wording that gets blocked and a story that seems to have no end in sight, this could (carefully reformated) be much better in a long story i think.
also the barrens is quite large - think of it in the perspective as if you were in wow actually the character, a cat or gryphon would definately go past unnoticed by horde (unless u went direct over a town :P)
Well, on foot one is still lees likely to attract the attention then on a mount. I just wanted to have her run. As for not having an ending in sight, it's like Morec said, it's not supposed to be that way when the story just starts.
I can agree on the bad wording part, I know it doesn't read as smoothly as, say, Light and Death. That's the part I'd appreciate to get some pointers on.
Considering spelling mistakes, I've run it trough on Word and got nothing.
I'm agreeing with Denjerre here, no spelling mistakes I can see.
Actually I saw one. "I she survives it" should probably be IF she survives it. But its only one thing, hardly worth mentioning.
Otherwise great writing Denjerre =D
Post by
523452
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
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